


Strong

by WellThisIsExciting



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorder, I don't know if I'm forgetting anything, I just don't know what else to do, I'm sorry about this, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger Warning!!!, but seriously though don't read if you're easily triggered cause I'll feel really bad :(, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-14 12:10:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1266049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WellThisIsExciting/pseuds/WellThisIsExciting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has a problem.  Harry takes it upon himself to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so, this isn't going to be so long, at least I don't think it will be. I don't know how many chapters yet, but like one more for sure and then I don't know how I want to go from there. 
> 
> Umm, let's see... It's not beta'd so I'm sorry for any gramatical errors or plot holes. It was like 2 AM when I finished this so give me a little credit. And I'm sorry about any past tense/present tense errors, I was having trouble deciding which one so I'm just going to fix it as I go, but I might not catch it all :/
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoy it! And any feedback would be greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Also, I'm not entirely sure how the recovery process works so bear with me in the future please :)

When Louis woke up this morning, he simply decided to stop eating. There was nothing prompting him to do so. He just looked in the mirror and found that he was absolutely disgusting. So he skipped breakfast. And that made him feel good. When lunch came around, he still didn't eat. He said he wasn't hungry, "I had a big breakfast," and he sipped from his water bottle and no one questioned him. By some miracle, he even managed to skip dinner. He told the lads he didn't feel well and went up to his room. 

As he laid in bed, he felt hungrier than he'd ever been and his stomach was growling, and to a normal person, this would be torture. But for Louis, it was the best feeling in the world. He felt good. He felt proud, so he decided he would do it again tomorrow. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks, Louis became increasingly good at coming up with excuses to not eat. He learned how to make it look like he was eating when he actually wasn't. He always took smaller portions when eating around other people. He decided he liked going to the gym alone now because everyone else was always telling him to slow down or take it easy, but they didn't understand. They didn't get how much he needed this. 

Louis also learned just how much he could hate himself the first time he caved. Harry was baking cookies and he asked Louis to "please test it for me?" So he did. He could never say no to Harry. It was so small and it was delicious and Louis told him so. As soon as he bit into the cookie, Louis was regretting every decision that led him to that moment. He had to finish it, too, or Harry would think he was lying. After he finished, he muttered some half hearted excuse, but Harry was too busy with everything else to notice, so Louis slipped away. 

He cried while staring at his reflection for what felt like forever. He wanted to scream, to break things. He swears he can see himself getting fatter and fatter. Finally, he can't take it anymore and he starts looking. He doesn't know what for, doesn't have a clue, until he finds it. He doesn't even know why he has it, but he does and that's all that matters to him when he pulls off his shirt and carves the word FAT into his ribs with the blade. It feels impossibly good and Louis thinks he hates himself a little less now. He makes four more cuts before he cleans himself up and tucks the blade safely away. 

~~~~~~~~~~

The first time Louis tried to make himself throw up, he couldn't do it. He's never felt like more of a failure than he did in that moment, and his tears mix with his blood on the floor as he cuts open his fatfatfat thighs. 

~~~~~~~~~~

The first person to notice a change in Louis is an interviewer. He was running a bit late that morning, so they didn't get a chance to chat before starting and the first thing she says to him is, "Oh my gosh, you look fantastic! Have you lost weight?" 

And Louis lit up like a fucking christmas tree. This is what he's been waiting for. Finally someone is recognizing all of his hard work. 

For the rest of the day, he's the happiest he's been in months. And he still doesn't eat anything. 

~~~~~~~~~~

The first person to notice something is wrong with Louis is Zayn. Louis was sitting at the kitchen counter, talking to Zayn, waiting for the others to get ready so they could get a start on their day. There was a lull in the conversation and Louis was thinking about the last time he ate. Two days ago, he had three apple slices for lunch. He was so proud of himself. 

When he reached for his phone to check the time, he couldn't find it. He forgot it in his room. He told Zayn he'd be right back and then he got up, but he was too fast. 

Everything was spinning. He grabbed the counter to try and support himself, but it wasn't enough. Fortunately, Zayn managed to grab Louis before he hit his head after blacking out. 

 

\---------------------------------------


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get fucked up and emotional.

Louis woke up a few minutes later. He was scared and confused and everyone was looking at him like he might die. When he opened his eyes, he heard someone say, "Thank God." He thinks it was Liam, but he's not sure. He's still kind of disoriented. 

"What happened?" Louis asked.

"You passed out, mate," Zayn said. 

"What? Why?" Louis asked, frantically. 

"How the hell should we know?" Niall answered. 

"Lou, when was the last time you ate?" Harry questioned. 

Harry noticed a lot more than Louis thought he did. He's been suspicious of this thing that's been going on with Louis for a while. It's just, Louis is so small. Smaller than he used to be. Lou never lets him hug him anymore, but when he does, he can feel his ribs through his clothes. The clothes that are two sizes too big for him. 

"I ate this morning." 

"No, you didn't," Zayn said. 

"I ate before you came down," Louis answered. 

"Louis, we came down at the same time."

Louis panicked and became defensive. "Are you calling me a liar?" he snapped at Zayn. 

"Well, I'm definitely not saying you're telling the truth," Zayn snapped back. 

"That's enough," Liam demanded. 

"Lou what's going on?" Harry asked. His voice was pleading and his eyes were so worried. Louis was his everything. He couldn't lose him. 

"Nothing is going on, Harry. I'm fucking fine," Louis said, a bit too harshly. He picked himself up and went to his room to grab his phone. When he was back downstairs, the others were huddled together in whispered conversation. They're talking about him, he knew it. They're laughing at how pathetic he is. He kept thinking about it as he chugged a bottle of water. 

He had just about enough so he snapped, "Can we fucking go, please." 

Louis didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day unless he absolutely had to. When they got home, Louis went straight to him room, with much protest from Harry. 

"No, Louis, we need to talk about what happened this morning," Harry said and he tried to grab Louis' arm. 

Louis turned and shoved him away, spitting out a "Fuck off, Harry."

He didn't eat dinner. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Louis is cold all the time. He borrows Harry's jumpers and he even let's the others touch him again, just for a chance at warmth. 

He cuddles with Harry whenever he can. He knows the others know that something is wrong with him, but he doesn't care. They haven't talked about what happened a few days ago and Louis is so damn grateful. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry and Louis are cuddled together on the couch watching a movie, while everyone else is out. Louis isn't really paying attention at all, he's too busy trying to absorb all of Harry's body heat. 

Louis repositions himself closer to Harry and lays his head on his shoulder. He looked at the younger boy. He looked deep in thought, so Louis nudged him. 

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Louis asked. 

Harry took a minute to compose himself before answering. "Why are you doing this, Lou? I don't understand. You're so perfect, Lou, so fucking perfect. And I'm so damn worried about you. I mean you're killing yourself for Christ's sake. I just don't get it. Tell me why, help me understand. Please," he finished. His voice was heavy and he was holding back tears because he shouldn't be crying. He needs to be strong for Louis. 

Louis was crying though. His voice cracking as he said, "I don't know what you're talking about." 

He tried to move away from Harry, but he wouldn't let him go and Harry was much stronger than Louis these days. 

"You're anorexic, Louis. You have a problem. Please, let me help you," Harry pleaded. 

Louis brought his knees up to his chest and put his hands over his ears. 

"No, I'm fine. I'm fucking fine and the only problem I have is that I can't stop eating." 

Harry was wrong. He was not - No. He didn't have one of those. There's no way. No fucking way. Louis was way to fat to be that. To be anorexic. 

"Louis, you never fucking eat anymore. Seriously, when was the last time you ate? And don't you dare lie to me," Harry demanded. 

Louis was scared. Everything was crumbling down and Harry's never acted this way before, never towards him. He doesn't know what to do. 

"Lou, answer me."

Tears are streaming down his face now and he says, "I can't remember." It had been at least a week since he'd had anything substantial. 

"Fucking hell, Lou. Why?" Harry asked.

"Because I'm disgusting, Harry! I'm so fucking fat. I'm a goddamn cow! It's pathetic how worthless I am-"

"That's not true. None of it is true-"

"Yes, it fucking is! I'm pathetic. I should just go kill myself-" Louis slapped a hand over his mouth. He never wanted to say that. Not to anyone, but especially not to Harry. He just couldn't help but think about how much of a burden he's become to everyone. They'd just be better off without him. 

"Please, Lou, please. I am begging you, begging, please let me help you," Harry said. He couldn't stop the tears now. He wasn't strong enough for this, but he had to try. He couldn't give up on him, not his Louis. Harry pulled Louis tight against him and wrapped his arms tight around the smaller boy. 

Grateful for the warmth, Louis buries his nose in Harry's neck. "I don't need help," he says tiredly. He's exhausted. This is too much to handle. 

Harry just cries harder and says "Lou, please." He's not going to give up. He's not going to stop until Louis agrees to get help. "Please," he says once more and his hand gently grips louis hair, trying to get him closer. Louis mumbles something, but it's so quiet and muffled, Harry couldn't hear him. "What did you say, Lou?"

"Okay," he said. "But only you," he demanded. 

"What do you mean?" Harry asked. 

"I don't want anyone else to know," he answered. 

"Okay, we'll talk about it in the morning." 

"Okay." 

Harry carried Louis to bed. He brought in the blankets from his bed and made a cocoon with Louis. There was no way he was leaving his boy alone tonight. "His boy? When did that become a thing?" Harry thought to himself. 

"I love you, Harry."

"I love you too, Louis."

"No, I love you, Harry. Like I really love you," Louis confessed. He figured everything else was changing so why not give it a shot. 

"Yeah, and I really love you, Lou," Harry said back. 

He brought his lips to Louis' so gently, as if he might break at the slightest hint of pressure. Louis kissed him back a but more forcefully. When Harry pulled away, Louis whined. Harry chuckled and said, "Go to sleep, love. We'll talk in the morning."

And so they slept, both happy and terrified of what the morning could bring. 

\---------------------------------------------


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. Sorry for the tremendous wait. I couldn't really figure out how to write this chapter. 
> 
> Like I said in the first chapter, I don't really know how the recovery process works, so please don't kill me for any errors or mistakes.
> 
> Un-beta'd.

When Louis woke up the next morning, the space next to him on the bed was empty. He worried everything that happened the night before was just a dream. That Harry wasn't really his. He didn't like that. Not at all. And Louis was getting a sick feeling in his stomach because he couldn't help but feel relieved. He was so relieved that he hadn't talked with Harry. That Harry didn't call him anorexic. His stomach felt like it was on a ship in a sea storm and he felt so terribly bad about feeling relieved. He started crying and he wasn't sure if it was because Harry wasn't his or because he was relieved that he wasn't really anorexic. 

Louis pulled himself together and got out of bed. He pulled on some clean jeans and one of Harry's jumpers. He liked wearing Harry's jumpers because they always made him feel so tiny, and Louis wants more than anything to just be tiny. Louis walked down the stairs and he caught the smell of breakfast cooking. He instantly felt nauseous, he wasn't sure if it was because the smell of food disgusted him or because he was hungry. He walked into the kitchen and saw Harry standing in front on the stove. Louis grabbed a cup out of the cupboard and filled it with water from the tap, like he would any other morning. He downed half of it in one go and when he set the glass down, Harry pushed him up against the counter and kissed him. The older boy was surprised, but he relaxed into the kiss anyway. Harry's hands were cupping his face, while Louis' hands held Harry's waist. 

When they pulled away, Louis says "So last night wasn't a dream then?"

"'Fraid not, babe," harry answered. He rested his forehead on Louis'. They stood there like that for a few minutes, and then Harry asked, "Are you hungry, babe?"

Louis didn't know how to answer this question. Now that he knows last night was real, he knows Harry is expecting him to say yes, and he is hungry, but he doesn't want to eat. He's not ready for this. This was a stupid idea. He should have stayed in bed. 

"Lou, please. C'mon, just try some toast,please. You need to eat," Harry said and he held a piece of toast to Louis' mouth. Louis was terrified right now. He could push it away and make Harry angry, or he could take a bite and hate himself even more. He was trying to convince himself that it was just one bite, that it wouldn't kill him, but there was a voice inside his head telling him that one bite will make him blow up like a ballon, telling him to think of his huge thighs and his flabby stomach. Louis looked into Harry's eyes, stopped thinking for just a second, and took a bite. It was small, but it was something and it made Harry's face light up in the brightest smile, Louis has ever seen on him. 

He chewed and chewed and chewed, not really liking the feeling of food in his mouth, and dreading how it would feel in his stomach, but he swallowed it anyway. And when he did, the toast was right there at his mouth again. He took another deep breath and another bite. The two boys repeated the process until Louis had finished an entire triangle of toast. 

I am so proud of you," Harry said, and kissed Louis.

Harry's proud of him. Harry is proud of him and all Louis wants to do is vomit. But that's normal for Louis. He tries to ignore the feeling, instead trying to concentrate on the smile on Harry's face, but he can't. He doesn't want Harry to see it so Louis closes his eyes and leans his forehead against Harry's. They just stand there for who knows how long. 

They don't even hear the door open or the other boys enter the house. They were being unusually quiet. Harry had woken them up earlier in the morning, too early for Niall or Zayn, and explained a little bit of what was going on. He managed to get them out of the house for a bit so he could try and talk to Louis about all of what's been happening lately. 

"Aww, look at the lovebirds," Zayn said and Liam and Niall both cooed. 

Louis hid his face in Harry's neck out of embarrassment, but Harry gave them a dirty look. The three boys sat down at the kitchen table and talked amongst themselves quietly. 

"Louis, look at me," Harry said and Louis did. "I think it's time we talk about what's been going on. It's completely your choice, but if you're comfortable with it, I think Liam, Zayn, and Niall should be apart of it. We all just want to help you, babe."

Louis thought about it. Last night he told Harry that he only wanted him to know, but that wouldn't be fair. He couldn't dump his problems on Harry and he can't just back out now, Harry wouldn't let. Louis nodded in approval and the two boys joined the others at the table. Louis' hands were shaking. He couldn't tell if it was because he was so nervous or because he never eats. He decides he doesn't care because Hazza grabs his hand and laces their interlocks their fingers together. It takes a bit of coaxing for Louis to actually start talking, but the other boys are willing to wait here all day and night, willing to do whatever it takes to help Louis. To make sure their brother is okay. 

"You need to admit it, Lou," Harry tells him. 

"I'm.. uhh, I have a p-problem...I'm a-" Louis stops suddenly. He can feel his chest getting tight, but not dangerously so. He feels Harry squeeze his hand, reassuringly. 

"I'm anorexic," he finally manages to get out. 

After the boys reassure him that he is okay and they still love him and they're not going anywhere, they start asking questions, 'how long has this been going on?', 'why did it start?', 'was it our fault?'. 

He's not really sure how to answer any of them and Harry can see the frustration on his face so he says, "Lou, why don't you just start from the beginning." 

And Louis does. He tells them everything. He wasn't planning on it, but he tells them about the cutting, too. They're there for quite a while because sometimes Louis has to stop because he just can't handle it, but the boys are there for him and they're not going anywhere and he believes them. 

At the end of it all, Louis' crying, and the boys are doing their best to make sure he's okay, most of them holding back their own tears. 

They talk about getting Louis help and taking a break from their hectic lives for a while so Louis can get better. Someone calls Paul and tells him that they need to talk and he can tell something's wrong so he comes over right away. 

Louis can't tell this story again, so Liam talks to Paul and tells him what's been going on. Louis isn't sure if he's going to be okay, but he's got to try. For Harry, for the boys, for the band. For himself. He's tired of living like this and for once he doesn't mean that he wants to kill himself. He just wants to get better.


End file.
